I was ugly yesterday. Like- purposefully ugly. We talked about the military, moving out soon, also about an appointment on Tuesday to turn in official divorce papers, and I was snippy the entire conversation. He said, “I guess this makes me a terrible person…” and I said “WELL YEAH…... YOU ARE!!!!!!” That was how the conversation ended. Remember when I said that I wasn’t trying to be an example for how to handle this type of situation? Yeah. I meant that. Again, I'm just striving to be honest and transparent. But, that was the first time I felt anger spewing out like lava at him. And-for the record- I don't think he's terrible person. The other emotional conversations up to that point have been out of hope, pain, and desperation- but this most recent one was straight up resentment. This is getting real ya’ll. Really real. We have been meeting with a Pastor at our church over the past month and I have gained so much perspective from those few sessions we’ve had. I’ve said that at this point, it feels as though I am mourning a death- or maybe, more so, feeling grieved over a missing person- but knowing all the while that they are alive. That’s the best way I know how to explain what I’m feeling right now.
The Pastor who has been counseling us has done an amazing job of encouraging us in ways to come back together as a couple, but once Steven officially told him this past Wednesday that he was not willing to try anymore and wants to move forward with divorce, our Pastor was vital in giving us hope and truth for the future as we go our separate ways. Hope for the future. I have no idea what the future holds. Again I’m mourning the life I thought I would be living in these upcoming years. I’m mourning the past because there were so many wonderful moments together. How are you supposed to “get over” something that you thought was going to last forever? I thought that being married meant that my heart would never be broken again. That’s what makes me the most angry. I’ve already had to forgive my Dad for terrible things, and that took awhile to come to terms with. How are you supposed to forgive someone when there are, in my mind (roughly 98%), only good things to remember? I already plan to forgive him. Maybe not right now. Maybe not tomorrow. But I will. I will always strive to be the one to forgive first and love the most.
I’m of the belief that when we thank God for things after we receive them, He laughs at us. Not like hysterically laughing or mocking laughing, because being thankful is an amazing attitude to have. I guess I imagine God snickering…no… chuckling because he already knew what He was doing the whole time, so when we’re thankful after-the-fact it seems kind of silly. It makes more sense (to me) that we should be thanking God for things that haven’t happened to us yet. Thanking him for the things He already knows He is going to do, but we haven’t reaped the benefits of. Again-to me-that seems like it would take the most faith, and faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains. In case you forgot- mountains are impossible to move, which must mean that our faith can do the impossible. Don’t get me wrong! Thanking Jesus for the blessings you receive in the moment is oh-so-important and powerful too. I’m not trying to take away from that fact. However, in this season of my life, when it would be so easy to put on an attitude of ungratefulness, I’m trying to thank Him for the things that now seem further away than ever.
Thank you God for the (mini more adorable versions of me) babies you will entrust to me. I can’t wait to love them.
Thank you God for the (hypothetical-futuristic) man who will accept me, loves You, and will love my many flaws (for all intents and purposes- I should have put this sentence above the baby sentence, but it is what it is).
Thank you Lord for the kids I will have in my class next school year, I know you are giving me each one for a reason.
Thank you Jesus for the apartment you will open up for me at the right time.
Thank you for giving me the passion to write….I don’t know why- and maybe you’re trying to give me hints to shut-up by now- but I’ll keep writing and sharing your name.
Thank you for making me who I am, for loving parts of myself that are perfect in Your eyes, and for the parts You’re still working on. I’m thankful You thought that the world needed one of me.
That is what my prayer looks like. Less like “Dear God please…” and more like “Thank you Jesus for…” because even though this is a terrible thing and “God hates divorce” he does not hate us. He loves us. He wants the best for us. He is the ultimate forgiver, healer, and mess-fixer-upper, and for that I am so very thankful.
I will say it again, just so you’re 100% aware that I’m at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to perfection. I (obviously) still have days where my ugliness makes its way out without warning (whenever I say that I’m “being ugly” I always imagine Gollum being his nasty self… anyone else? Just me? Ok.) It’s ok to not be ok. Even though, please believe me, I will be ok. Hopefully sooner, rather than later. Thank you for letting me keep it real, without judgement. Thank you for reaching out to me. Thank you for the prayers you have prayed. I continue to feel them more than you’ll ever know.